The ladies often tell me they want a guy who is “well-settled”.
That’s code for…
…”rich”, or earning 6 figures.
Sure, it’s a perfectly reasonable criterion. A high income may represent ambition, drive, and sometimes mastery, all of which may be desirable traits in a life partner. Except – no guy wants to be seen as your wallet!
Similarly, nearly every guy tells me he wants to meet a woman who is “passionate”.
As a woman with a job and an education, I wondered, what the heck does that even mean? “She should have something she’s passionate about, some purpose in life,” many tell me, but if you’re looking for inspiration, there are 100s of TED talks online.
As a woman, I just want someone who’ll do his share of chores, be kind, respectful, and considerate to me, my family, my friends, and travel with me to Barcelona, London, the Canary Islands.
These phrases (“a guy who’s well-settled”, “a woman who’s passionate”) dominate the discourse of the dating world. As a Professional Matchmaker, I hear these phrases so many times, I’ve almost come to expect it. It’s “normal” in the marriage market, but here’s the problem:
When you’re the same as everyone else, you might as well not exist.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a man, a woman, earning $300k/year, have an MBA from a top school, an analytics guru, or speak 5 languages.
On the marriage market, if you’re the same as everyone, you’re doomed.
This is where the concept of ZIGGING and ZAGGING comes in.
Where others zig, you zag.
When done correctly, you instantly stand out, attracting the right options, while the wrong matches fade away.
Let me show you a zig/zag example.
On first dates, it’s natural to feel nervous. So most people bring up super-boring, standard-range topics like food, movies, music.
EVERYONE ZIGS: “What shows are you watching on Netflix right now? What food do you like? What’s your favourite museum?”
These kinds of conversations made me want to puke.
MALAIKA ZAGS: “Yeah, dating on Tinder is known to be pretty hit-or-miss. How many dates have you had this last month? What were the other women like? Did you actually like any of them? What made you come on a date with me? Yes, I really did cycle from Alaska to Argentina. Would be awesome to do another bike trip – with a partner.”
Of course, the guys who were looking for something casual immediately disappeared – these questions were WAY too deep for them. They didn’t want to think on a date! They wanted me to be interesting so they could smile and try to kiss me. Most of them are still single today.
But the guys who were truly interesting stuck around. They’d ask me questions like, “Wow, how long do you want to travel for? Would you stay in hotels or go camping or something else?” These questions started deeper conversations about what we wanted for our lives – our deeper values.
If you want a woman who’s passionate, you CAN attract her into your life – passion and all. But not by being the average guy, waiting for her to entertain and seduce you and show you she’s worth your time.
When they zig, you zag: Ask her about her views on feminism in the media. Neruda vs. Cummings. How to enjoy social media without being the product.
If you want a rich guy, you can HAVE a rich guy. But you won’t get there by doing exactly what every other woman does, and trying to figure out how much money he has.
When they zig, you zag: Ask a man about his entrepreneurial dreams. His travel bucket list. About his parent’s health. How he views spirituality. What he’d do if he didn’t have to work.
Today’s exercise: Mastering Your Ideal Partner Profile
Last week, I shared 3 profiles (or archetypes) who could match you, and asked you which one you’d pick: The Alpha, the Nurturer, the Adventurer. The answers were amazing!
Now, I’d like you to go one step further and gently “test” your profile. (By the way, don’t worry if you’re an introvert or an extrovert, or you’ve never dated before. I’ll show you how to do this, step by step, in my Perfect Match course.)
A profile on paper is just a story. But when you test it against a real-life human being, your profile may slowly reveal itself to be an IDEAL PARTNER.
Here’s what I want you to do (20 minutes):
1. Find 1 person — JUST ONE! — who might be match to this profile. You can do this via email or in person. If you’re not sure, ask ANYONE remotely close to the profile. We’re not aiming for perfection right now, just people.
2. “Test” for language using this script: “Say you’re meeting someone for the first time. What’s the #1 quality you look for in this person, in order to consider being friends with them?”
3. Write down the exact language they use. Did they really say, “I want someone passionate?” No, they did not. WRITE DOWN WHAT THEY ACTUALLY SAY. “Someone who makes me laugh” is a terrific response. “Someone who’s my age + speaks my language” is another.
When you get your answers, share them with me in the comments below.
Tomorrow, we’ll be talking about the specific metrics you can use to attract your Perfect Match.